Day 85.1: Freezing Up
Aug. 9th, 2024 08:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sunshowerdandelionI freeze up when I'm tired. I don't want to make the effort of thinking: I get very scared and defensive. Work I think has had that effect on me, sort of this low-grade terror, which might also be more to do with work drama, but when I'm not tired I can usually keep the terror away.
Anyway I think my writing also follows my mood somewhat. Seiran let me know her more slippery slide. I don't think she's malicious at all: she's just comfortable with lying and flattery because that's been how she's kept alive all this time, whereas I think she thinks Reisen (as someone who's enjoyed more privilege than she has) has resort to less forceful - or at least less slippery - methods of getting her way. I think Seiran resents this a little, and sees Reisen's casual-seeming order for Seiran to 'treat me without looking at my rank' as the height of hubris. As if things can be cast away that easily.
Anyway I think my writing also follows my mood somewhat. Seiran let me know her more slippery slide. I don't think she's malicious at all: she's just comfortable with lying and flattery because that's been how she's kept alive all this time, whereas I think she thinks Reisen (as someone who's enjoyed more privilege than she has) has resort to less forceful - or at least less slippery - methods of getting her way. I think Seiran resents this a little, and sees Reisen's casual-seeming order for Seiran to 'treat me without looking at my rank' as the height of hubris. As if things can be cast away that easily.
